Showing posts with label Ventings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ventings. Show all posts

Monday, February 13, 2012

The Tea Witch's Word of the Year (Pt. 2)

Please refer to the post directly under this one for the actual word.  Thank you. I've done some thinking on this over the past few days and here's what I've come up with.  This word sucks giant monkey balls.  Seriously.  I demand a reshuffle *stares pointedly at the self-care cards that I used for this whole thing*. that I've had my mini-tantrum, let's get on with the good stuff.

According to "Trust" is defined as:  1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence; 2. confident expectation of something; hope. 
**There are a billion and a half other directions under these two...but I am not spending the time messing with all of those**

But I did notice that the second definition has one of my two favorite words in it.  "Hope".  I love that word a lot.  I believe (another one of my favorite words) that if you don't have have nothing.  This makes me feel like this word...that weird T my word of the year for a reason. 

After putting up the Pt. 1 good friend Hippy Jersey Devil posted a comment on it.  And that got my wheels turning (random moment of a CCR song just popped up in my  She made a mention of how she doesn't trust herself anymore.  I read that and my brain, soul, gut instinct, etc, etc, etc. perked up all their ears at once.  Oh was like a mini electric pulse went shooting from my brain to my toes.  I had a Eureka moment folks...and that is some scary stuff right there.  LOL.

I have spent years living in self-doubt.  I've gotten so used to the inner critic and her whiny, bitchy voice that it's almost like second nature.  I do anything, anything at all and she's there.  Cooking, cleaning, writing, speaking, buying things, meeting people, pick something...anything...and she's there.  This constant little buzz in my brain that tells me I'm not good enough, can't do anything right, yadda, yadda, yadda.  Yeah...that's a whole hell of a lot of fun to live with.

Until Now.

You see....a year ago today I found out my husband was cheating on me.  He decided to take the cowards way out of our marriage and go shack up with someone else.  I was devastated, hurt, betrayed, angry, pissed off....pick a "scorned woman" adjective and insert here.  But most of all I was relieved.  Yup...I was relieved that he had done it.  I found out at 3am on Feb. 13th and less than 12 hours later, I was methodically going through my house taking inventory of what was his and how many boxes it would take to get rid of his stuff.  Over the course of that first weekend, I packed up over 1/2 of his belongings and got them out of my home.  Now...I'm not saying that I was just able to pick up and move on without batting an eyelash, that's not how it was at all.  I was able to get rid of him in my house and in my head....but there was a part of my heart that was aching and decided to show itself in other ways. 

As I often do....I turned to food...and the bad thing is, I didn't even know it.  I ended up putting on almost 50 pounds in a very short amount of time with absolutely no recollection of how the hell it managed to creep up on me.  A friend of mine snapped a picture of me while we were all together and showed it to me a few weeks later and it smacked me upside the head like a friggen 2x4.  I looked at the woman in the picture and actually asked my friend who it was.  I didn't even recognize myself.  That day was a real eye opener for me.  Since then I've managed to shrug off 40 of those 50 pounds and I've gotten rid of a lot of the other extra weight I've been carrying around as well.  But not all of it......that little inner voice is still there.  And she's really beginning to piss me off.

So...this year....this year will be different.  This year I will duct tape the inner critic to a chair and toss her ass down into the basement, never to least that's the plan. LOL.  I will learn to trust myself, believe in myself and know that my hopes are valid and legitimate.  This year I will stop letting that inner critic tell me I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not well-spoken enough.  No longer will I allow her to tell me that I'm never going to amount to anything or matter to anyone.  No more will she be allowed to swallow me in negativity.  I am done allowing myself to be the sum of all of my so-called weak points.  I will find the strong, talented, amazing, special woman that I truly am and will embrace her.

This year I will learn to Trust the most important being on the planet.....Myself.

Wish me luck....The inner critic says I'll need it.  **Pulls out the duct tape**

Friday, December 2, 2011

The Dr. is in?

Hi there!!  Did you miss me?  I missed  Let's see...what's been going on since I posted last (and no, I'm not talking about that post on Monday).  October was ended with me dealing with a random stomach virus and then a cold...literally one right after the other.  The last two weeks of Oct. sucked for me.  Although I did have a pretty awesome Halloween with my kidlet and the godson.  Got some wicked trick or treating done and had a great time with some awesome friends. 

November....November is NaNoWriMo and I spent most of my time with characters running around in my brain trying to tell me what to do.  And while I didn't "win" this year by finishing with 50k words, I wrote.  And that, my lovelies, is what's important to me.  I used to write all the damn time...and then my grandfather passed away and I lost the heart for it.  I'm writing again now though and that's what's important.  My story is far from me something to work on when I'm bored or the characters bang on my brain and say "Hey, you, human....write this for us!!"  And yes, they totally do that.

So what brings me here today?  Besides the fact that I really miss my blog and my bloggy world friends?

It seems, as of late, that I may have to start charging for my services.  *giggle* Ok...that just sounded dirty. ;)

But seriously....I have a lot of friends that use me as a sounding board and as a free counseling service.  Not that I mind...most of the time, because I don't.  Granted...there was this one girl who used to take liberties with my shoulder and ear....I put a stop to that real damn quick.  She now only calls me when she absolutely has to.  Of course, our friendship had a lot more ups and downs so now we're more acquantinces than anything else.  Which is fine with me.

I love my friends and honestly don't mind them coming to me with their issues, problems, concerns, rants, what-have-you.  What I do have a problem with is someone coming to me, using me as said sounding board, apologizing for "dragging me into" something **Newsflash folks...I don't consider it being dragged into are venting your emotions to someone willing to listen.  That's all**, insulting me, and then hanging up on me while on the phone.  This happened twice...not once, but twice.  Yeah...this witch was pissed fer sure.

Note to all people everywhere....I don't give a damn if your drunk, stoned, sober, heartbroken, feel at your wit's end, pick a euphamism.  When you call someone to vent, to unload, and to free your spirit from the heavy feelings that you are holding onto; do yourselves a favor.  Don't ever, ever hang up on them.  And for the love of all that's sacred...don't ever insult someone.  Watch your words, focus on you instead of attempting to put your negative emotions onto someone else by bringing up their shortcomings (or what you think are their shortcomings).  And if you absolutely insist on being a douche negative person then make sure you have all the facts before attempting to call someone out.  Damage control in situations like this can be long and drawn out.  With one person feeling bad for spewing their douchery negative conotations onto someone else and the other person feeling righteously pissed angry for being made to feel "insufficient".  Yes, that word was actually used in direct relation to me.  Trust me ain't pretty at all.  

So yeah...other than that life has been frackin awesome!!  We're just tootin along over here on my crazy train called Life.  Livin it up when we can and just chillin when we don't want to be awesome.  The holidays are right around the corner....oh no, I'm sorry, that season is already here isn't it?  Damnit...I knew I forgot something.  *sigh*  Oh well.....we'll figure it out eventually.  I suppose I should go get a tree and pull out the deco stuff sometime soon.  I wanna tree so bad it hurts!  Hopefully, I'll have the money this weekend to go buy one.

Kisses and Tea Cozies folks...I'm going back to bed for a bit.