Monday, February 13, 2012

The Tea Witch's Word of the Year (Pt. 2)

Please refer to the post directly under this one for the actual word.  Thank you. I've done some thinking on this over the past few days and here's what I've come up with.  This word sucks giant monkey balls.  Seriously.  I demand a reshuffle *stares pointedly at the self-care cards that I used for this whole thing*. that I've had my mini-tantrum, let's get on with the good stuff.

According to "Trust" is defined as:  1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence; 2. confident expectation of something; hope. 
**There are a billion and a half other directions under these two...but I am not spending the time messing with all of those**

But I did notice that the second definition has one of my two favorite words in it.  "Hope".  I love that word a lot.  I believe (another one of my favorite words) that if you don't have have nothing.  This makes me feel like this word...that weird T my word of the year for a reason. 

After putting up the Pt. 1 good friend Hippy Jersey Devil posted a comment on it.  And that got my wheels turning (random moment of a CCR song just popped up in my  She made a mention of how she doesn't trust herself anymore.  I read that and my brain, soul, gut instinct, etc, etc, etc. perked up all their ears at once.  Oh was like a mini electric pulse went shooting from my brain to my toes.  I had a Eureka moment folks...and that is some scary stuff right there.  LOL.

I have spent years living in self-doubt.  I've gotten so used to the inner critic and her whiny, bitchy voice that it's almost like second nature.  I do anything, anything at all and she's there.  Cooking, cleaning, writing, speaking, buying things, meeting people, pick something...anything...and she's there.  This constant little buzz in my brain that tells me I'm not good enough, can't do anything right, yadda, yadda, yadda.  Yeah...that's a whole hell of a lot of fun to live with.

Until Now.

You see....a year ago today I found out my husband was cheating on me.  He decided to take the cowards way out of our marriage and go shack up with someone else.  I was devastated, hurt, betrayed, angry, pissed off....pick a "scorned woman" adjective and insert here.  But most of all I was relieved.  Yup...I was relieved that he had done it.  I found out at 3am on Feb. 13th and less than 12 hours later, I was methodically going through my house taking inventory of what was his and how many boxes it would take to get rid of his stuff.  Over the course of that first weekend, I packed up over 1/2 of his belongings and got them out of my home.  Now...I'm not saying that I was just able to pick up and move on without batting an eyelash, that's not how it was at all.  I was able to get rid of him in my house and in my head....but there was a part of my heart that was aching and decided to show itself in other ways. 

As I often do....I turned to food...and the bad thing is, I didn't even know it.  I ended up putting on almost 50 pounds in a very short amount of time with absolutely no recollection of how the hell it managed to creep up on me.  A friend of mine snapped a picture of me while we were all together and showed it to me a few weeks later and it smacked me upside the head like a friggen 2x4.  I looked at the woman in the picture and actually asked my friend who it was.  I didn't even recognize myself.  That day was a real eye opener for me.  Since then I've managed to shrug off 40 of those 50 pounds and I've gotten rid of a lot of the other extra weight I've been carrying around as well.  But not all of it......that little inner voice is still there.  And she's really beginning to piss me off.

So...this year....this year will be different.  This year I will duct tape the inner critic to a chair and toss her ass down into the basement, never to least that's the plan. LOL.  I will learn to trust myself, believe in myself and know that my hopes are valid and legitimate.  This year I will stop letting that inner critic tell me I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not well-spoken enough.  No longer will I allow her to tell me that I'm never going to amount to anything or matter to anyone.  No more will she be allowed to swallow me in negativity.  I am done allowing myself to be the sum of all of my so-called weak points.  I will find the strong, talented, amazing, special woman that I truly am and will embrace her.

This year I will learn to Trust the most important being on the planet.....Myself.

Wish me luck....The inner critic says I'll need it.  **Pulls out the duct tape**


mybabyjohn/Delores said...

we are indeed our own worst enemy

Danni said...

The part about throwing your inner critic in the basement sounds a lot like my own plans for this year, my word is 'Heal'. I think trust and healing sort of go hand in hand.

P.S. If you need some extra duct tape, just give a girl a shout! ;)

Hippy Jersey Devil said...

They say divorce is as Earth shattering as death. Even if the person was a total cheating son of a bitch, it was still a complete upheaval of your life as you knew it.

As for my previous comment, very unlike me not to be specific but when I said I didn't trust myself it was more of the "I'm fucking crazy" than the self-confidence thing. If that doesn't make sense, it's because I'm fucking crazy.

You have chosen a word that will challenge you. The only way to learn is to be challenged. You will do this girl. Look at how far you've come.

Texan Zombie Goddess said...

Truer words have never been spoken. Thank you for this post.


StarryPluto said...

I love this post! While your duct taping your inner bitch, do mine as well and we can ask for ransom.