Sunday, April 10, 2011
The past few days have been emotionally "touch and go" with me. I've been more quiet and withdrawn lately without really knowing why. Then it hit me the other day that I am alone. And not alone in the sense that I don't have anyone standing by me....I've got that in spades and am deeply appreciative for my friends and family. I am alone in the sense that I no longer have a "partner" to plan things with. I don't have someone to dream of my future with anymore....nobody to tease about growing old together and give random kisses to as we pass each other in our busy days. It's damn depressing. And then the stress of having to find another vehicle (after mine was repossessed), a new place to live in order to accomodate an 11 year old little girl, and trying to find another (better paying) job so that we can survive....my head was ready to explode last night. After spending about 45 minutes on a local selling site last night looking for said vehicle...and not finding anything that had a running motor, good transmission, something that actually ran....I wanted to curl up and cry myself into oblivion. I knew that wouldn't do me (or anyone else) any good though, so I cleaned. I cleaned my bathroom, my dresser, nightstand and my altar. I rearranged the dresser and altar so that everything flows better. And bagged up a ridiculous amount of trash. I feel a lot better now....so good in fact that I'm going to continue this trend through the rest of the house (as much as possible). I need to finish packing up the ex's stuff so that I can get that out of my house quickly. I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life....and feeling it is totally different from knowing. I've known I've been a crossroads for some time now. I'm just now getting around to actually feeling it. One part of me is terrified of it and the other part is mildly curious as to what we'll do next. Wish me luck....I think I might need it.